Rain Man Goes Shopping Episode I: The Phantom Brake

Every legend has a beginning...A 1997 Honda Civic much as mine appeared, pristine and unblemished, 13 and a half years ago.

With rumors that certain readers would quit reading if I didn't post about something besides P90X soon (I'm looking at you, Adrienne), I decided to write something else about my own stupidity. Unfortunately, I haven't done anything too stupid since the Publix automatic door fiasco, so I had to dig deep down into the archives to unearth this gem. Many of you are familiar with this story, but it's probably worth re-telling. So, without further delay, I present to you the prequel to my Rain Man Goes Shopping post. Like most prequels, it is probably too long and is almost certainly not as good as the original, but if you lower your expectations, it might just be worth a read...

The setting is about 11 years (and 20 or 30 pounds) prior to the events of Rain Man Goes Shopping. There's a shopping center on South Milledge Avenue in Athens that used to include a Bi-Lo grocery store (I'm not sure what it is now, but I don't think it is even a grocery store). Apparently hungry one fateful afternoon of my junior year at UGA (1999-2000), I parked my (then two-year-old and still relatively newish) car maybe a third of the way across the rather large and about half-full parking lot from the store. My carefree, college version of myself strolled across the bright, sunny parking lot, entered Bi-Lo (without any awkwardness letting girls in or out that I remember), picked up my Doritos and Ramen Noodles or whatever, and headed back out the automatic door (again, without incident). As I got to my car, I realized that it wasn't there. Was I on the wrong row? Had I not gone far enough out into the parking lot yet?

I literally looked all around me in every direction, scratching my head and wondering if my car had been stolen or towed or what (my car was no stranger to parking violations even at such a young age). Eventually, all the way back at the back of the parking lot, I saw a car that looked a lot like mine facing me, but parked halfway over the curb. Still not convinced that this was my car (why would anyone move it back there?...and how?), I asked a guy in a cherry-picker near the back of the parking lot (working on a light post or something) if he had seen anyone move that car. This guy said it was there when he got there and probably proceeded to mock me under his breath.

Eleven years later, Ol' Bessie still bears the scars of that fateful day (among others). The dark puncture wounds almost directly above the tailpipe are the ones she suffered at Bi-Lo so long ago.

I walked cautiously up to the little red Civic as if I expected a friend or roommate to pop out with a paint ball gun or water balloons (and I'm still convinced a prank of this sort was more likely than the truth). This car had the exact same UGA, Dave Matthews, and Widespread Panic stickers as mine, all in the same locations. Okay, so now I was pretty sure it was mine (though I still didn't want to believe it). As I circled the car, I noticed it was parked inches short of one of the huge light posts (and its thick concrete base). Whoever did this obviously didn't want to hurt my car, but...why did they back it over...this curb...and...this...stop sign? What the? The back half of my car was resting on a bent-over stop sign!

Finally beginning to piece it together, my fears were confirmed when I got in and realized the parking brake was, in fact, not engaged. My poor car has a manual transmission and to this day, I have a terrible habit of not putting it in gear when I park it and relying solely on the parking brake. As I surveyed the parking lot one last time, I was struck by just how many cars were between me and where I had parked. The lot was by no means full, but I'd say it was at least half full and my car was somewhere in the middle of the mass of cars when I left it.

I can only imagine what other shoppers leaving Bi-Lo at this time (probably some smokin'-hot sorority girls) must have thought as they saw my completely aloof 20-year-old self get out of my car and casually and confidently walk towards the store as my car began its ever-so-slow creep towards destiny (and a dozen other cars, a light post or two, and a stop sign 50 yards away).

In the words of Barack Obama, let me be clear: this is not the story of a car that drifted in a straight line through an empty parking lot and landed harmlessly on a stop sign 50 yards away. If you were at the store facing the parking lot, I left it facing to the left and found it facing the store and a little to the right (again, 50 yards away at the back of the parking lot). This car went on a magical journey in a path that could only have been a massive arc--a tour of a half-full parking lot, if you will. I believe it was nothing short of a miracle that my baby found its way through an obstacle course of cars, trucks, SUVs, shopping carts, and huge light posts to its safe little perch atop the curb and stop sign at the back of the parking lot.

An extremely accurate artist's rendering of the scene of the miracle. Okay, so the last six cars this shows it evading weren't there, but the rest is pretty accurate as I recall. Red rectangle = my car. White rectangles = other cars.

As far as I could tell, the Civic defied all odds and navigated the challenge with only a single scratch (from the stop sign). It was the first noticeable body damage she sustained that I remember and now it blends in nicely with the missing passenger side mirror, several layers of dirt, leaky trunk, and faded, peeling paint. You never like to see something like this happen to your fairly new vehicle, but honestly, the stop sign damage actually prevented something more severe (hitting the light post) and hitting another car would have been infinitely worse. I counted myself lucky and got the heck out of Dodge.

Sadly, this would not be the last ridiculous adventure the '97 Honda Civic would have (and hopefully she continues to have them for a while longer), but I'll try to save some of the others for another post. Perhaps I'll dig up another when Adrienne threatens to quit reading again.

P90X Days 7-14: Man of Steel...and Chips and Syrup

That's right. I have a Superman shirt. Several, in fact. What's cooler than a 31-year old fat guy working out in a Superman shirt? A 31-year-old fat guy posting pictures of himself after working out on the Internet, that's what.

Sorry it has been so long since my last post. I still don't want this to become strictly P90X pictures of myself, but I almost feel guilty posting about much else when I'm several days behind posting on P90X and I'm getting texts and emails asking for updates. Not much new to report except that my battle with Tony Horton (the P90X guy) continues. He really seems like a nice guy until he taunts you that there's a guy with a prosthetic leg in one of the first DVDs that is kicking your butt throughout the entire workout. Stupid Tony Horton and his gang of super-powered friends.

This post is mostly for the pictures to half-way prove that I haven't quit, but I confess that with company from out of town over the weekend, I got a little off schedule. For those of you that have a financial stake in this thing, I'll leave it up to you if you disqualify me for moving my second "rest day" up a couple days in the schedule and powering through 9 or 10 workouts before my next rest day. Sorry if I've let you down by not following the schedule exactly, but I felt the need to be honest and am pressing on in any case.

After Day 7's rest, I rested a little more with my good friends TV and Tostitos. Mmm...they never fail me.

Day 7: Rest. Not much to say here except that this is my favorite workout so far. I had an option to do the "X Stretch" DVD, but I figured I should pace myself. I think I handled this one nicely.

After Day 8's Chest & Back and Ab workouts, I was so disappointed in myself, I couldn't even face the camera.

Day 8: Chest & Back and Abs. Honestly, this was about a week ago and I don't remember much except the feeling of disappointment at the end. It's not that it was any harder than last time and it's not that I didn't make some small improvements. I guess I'm just not sure if I did my best that day. I could probably use more sleep and better nutrition. Though I'm closely monitoring caloric intake via Lance Armstrong's "Live Strong" Daily Plate website, I'm not really eating much better. Just less. More fruits and vegetables and less meat and cheese wouldn't hurt. But boy, do I love some meat and cheese...

This is what a fake smile after Plyometrics on Day 9 looks like. Last time I did this workout, I almost died on my living room floor. This time, I just almost died face down on my coffee table after taking this picture.

Day 9: Plyometrics. I really don't like Plyometrics. I think this is the DVD with the one-legged guy putting me to shame. I'd put the DVD in to double-check, but I'm afraid the one-legged wonder will come to life and beat me up. I'll let you know next time I do it.

Day 10 taught me that wearing a Superman shirt apparently doesn't make you any stronger.

Day 10: Shoulders & Arms and Abs. Easily still my favorite workout. The Abs one is always tough, but Shoulders & Arms is refreshing because I can actually do a lot of it without crying.

Day 11's late night Yoga apparently gave me a lazy eye.

Day 11: Yoga. P90X hits the road. Definitely the most difficult time I had getting started on a workout. As a busy weekend of work and out-of-town company began, I found myself doing Yoga at someone else's house well after midnight on Friday night. Under less than ideal conditions, I pried my eyes open with toothpicks, put the Yoga DVD into my laptop, and got to work. Still very challenging, but I was happy with some progress here and there.

Clearly, I did not enjoy my first workout after Saturday night's Bad Band session (if you don't know about Bad Band, count yourself lucky).

Day 12: Legs & Back and Abs. Not so terrible if I had been better rested. I do assure you that one-legged wall squats are more torturous than reading this or looking at picture after picture of me sweaty and miserable. I find myself getting better at the abs workout and enjoying a fair amount of it, but I HATE the very last exercise (Mason Twists I think they're called). It might not be so bad if it was the first one, but after 15 minutes of other ab stuff, it is KILLER. To make matters worse, I forgot about it this time and thought I was done after the leg climbs. I should have snapped a picture of my crushed spirit when stupid-face Tony Horton reminded me that not only was I not done, but that possibly my least favorite minute of the entire P90X experience (to date) was still ahead. Stupid Tony Horton.

Not much to say here. Tired and sweaty, but glad Day 13 wasn't Plyometrics.

Day 13: Cardio. Still no Kenpo DVD, so I subbed in Cardio again. I found out another friend of mine has the Kenpo DVD, so hopefully I'll see one of the two again soon and give it a shot. In the meantime, cardio is a welcome "break" only because it's 10 or 15 minutes shorter than everything else (30 shorter than days that include abs). The variety of activity wasn't as novel this time, but I did get better at it and I was thrilled to not be doing abs afterwards.

Knockin' back a few Auntie Js and watchin' some "Glee" as I rested on Day 14...I mean 12...I mean 14.

Day 14: Rest. I'm really getting the hang of this "rest" day. I could get used to this. Okay, so I really rested on Day 12, bumped everything up in the schedule, and took this picture today, but you get the idea.

Two down, eleven to go. Week Three started today. Stay tuned for another update very soon. And hopefully some topics besides P90X will find their way between the pictures of me sweating in different shirts in different corners of my living room.

P90X Days 4-6: Something Smells Like Updog

After Day 4's Yoga, something smelled like Updog. "What's 'Updog'?" you ask? Oh, nothing much. How about you?

So, I'm actually done with Day 8 and about to do Day 9 this afternoon, but I figured I'd go ahead and post on Days 4-6 now and 7-9 later tonight or tomorrow hopefully. I figured two shorter posts were better than one long one. So, on to the summaries.

Also after Day 4's Yoga, both this picture and the one above were unsuccessful attempts on my part to demonstrate my mastery of one of the easiest Yoga poses I learned: "Upward Dog"...or "Downward Dog"...or some kind of dog...I really don't remember, Dogg.

Day 4: Yoga. It sounded easy enough. Sit around with your legs crossed and stretch a little to some soundtrack of nature sounds. Maybe light some patchouli incense and form a hippie drum circle afterwards with some of my less hygienic friends or acquaintances. No big deal. Suffice it to say that I did not have much knowledge of nor respect for Yoga. This is no longer the case.

The first few poses were not so bad and actually felt kind of nice, stretching muscles I rarely use. "Upward Dog" for example, is the pose I tried to take a picture of myself doing because it was fairly easy. Unfortunately, the pose is essentially the top of a push-up (arms straight) with terrible form (head and chest up, back curved downward, hips and knees almost touching the floor) and therefore, not easy to take a picture of myself while demonstrating. After the first few minutes, the poses got increasingly more difficult and holding them for any length of time was every bit as challenging as the other workouts. To say the least, I was stunned to be dripping sweat just a few minutes into this workout (as early or earlier than in other workouts so far).

Some of the pose names still strike me as a little silly (Warrior One, Warrior Two, Reverse Warrior, Child's Pose, Sun Salutation, etc.), but the physical challenge behind many of them (lifting this leg, leaning that way, bending at the knee, getting as low as you can, holding one arm over your head and another straight behind you, keeping your head up, all while keeping your balance and maintaining good form for a certain amount of time) is NO JOKE. You definitely feel strain and stress in muscles that need it and with any consistency, should develop some flexibility.

By the end of the workout, I felt that I had won a few small battles and look forward to seeing what I can do better next time. All in all, a very challenging and educational workout that may have eliminated yoga references from all the hippie jokes from my comedic repertoire. Oh well. There are always granola and Toyota Prius references.

After Day 5, I felt like I had just run the Kentucky Derby.

Day 5: Legs and Back workout and Ab workout. Like everything so far, this workout tested me physically, but also mentally. I used to love doing leg workouts, but pretty much laid off most of them 8 or 10 years ago when my knees couldn't take the stress of some of them anymore. I don't recall my knees screaming out in pain at me during this workout, so either I didn't work hard enough or the workout itself is well-constructed to not cause permanent knee damage. In any case, there were a lot of moments (during wall squats in particular) that muscles were shaking and sweat was dripping and I could not think about anything in the world except how long another eight seconds sounded. Some of these exercises seemed like they would never end. To tell you the truth, I'm still not sure they've ended.

Ab workout, as usual, sucked. But I'm slowly getting better at it (I think).

After Day 6, I was quite winded and had the bright idea to take a picture of myself in agony from a different angle. Weights in background are larger than they appear.

Day 6: Kenpo--er--Cardio. Day 6 is supposed to be "Kenpo X" (some sort of martial-arts/self-defense/cardio-like workout), but Brian (the buddy that challenged me to do this in the first place and loaned me the DVDs and pull-up bar) forgot to include the Kenpo X DVD in the stuff he gave me. So, as a substitute, I did the Cardio workout (which is what he said he usually did anyway). I'm hoping to get the Kenpo DVD from him (or someone) at some point so that I have tried and done the whole program, but this will have to suffice for the first two or three weeks at least.

Cardio left me winded and drenched with sweat, but thankfully it was the shortest workout so far at about 43 minutes. It combined elements of some of the other workouts (some Yoga, some Kenpo, etc.), so it was actually kind of a fun mix and a nice change of pace. Definitely not as painful or mentally challenging as the others so far, but a good cardio workout nonetheless.

Stay tuned for Days 7-9...Rest/Stretch (guess which I chose), Chest and Back/Abs (again), and the one I've really dreaded repeating (and still have to do today): Plyometrics. Uh oh...

P90X Days 1-3: I Give Up

After Day 2, breathing what I was certain was my last breath.

Just kidding. I'm not giving up yet, but pretty much everything on me is sore. It hurts to straighten my arms. It hurts to bend my arms. It hurts to stand up. It hurts to sit down. It hurts to plop down into my little car. It hurts to gently roll myself out of it. It hurts to turn the (no power-steering) steering wheel in between. It hurts to squat down to pet a dog. It hurts to bend down to put the P90X DVD into the stupid DVD player that keeps working no matter how much I pray that it will not work one of these days. It hurts to pick up my laptop to tell all you fine people how much it hurts. In short, it hurts.

To be fair, I haven't really worked out in five or six months, so I'd probably be pretty sore three days into any workout routine worth a darn. Other people in decent shape would obviously not feel as bad as I do, but this is without a doubt the hardest I've ever worked out. And with the appropriate weights to challenge yourself on each exercise, it should prove painful to anyone trying to do this thing correctly. Most of the workouts are just under an hour long (50 to 60 minutes each) and for most of the 13 weeks, you add on the 16-minute ab workout three days a week.

For anyone not interested in the specifics of each day, I want to re-emphasize that this is not becoming strictly a P90X blog for the next 87 days. In fact, I suspect that once I've suffered through each of the 12 DVDs at least once, the P90X content will be scaled back significantly to include mostly pictures and measurement progress reports. We'll see. In any case, I promise to continue to deliver the same variety of content (that most people don't care to read) that I have always provided. Now, for a summary of each of the last three days...

Another Day 1 picture: My body was so angry at me after this workout that it was shaking. Holding the camera still was almost as tough as the workout.

Day 1: I know I already posted on Day 1, but all I did was explain why I'm doing this stupid thing. I didn't really say anything about Day 1's workout. It was the chest and back workout and the abs workout. Chest and back exercises were mostly various push-ups and pull-ups (12 different exercises, 2 sets each). I'll admit that after the first couple of sets, I was having to do the "easier" version of just about everything. The abs workout is a separate, short DVD (16 minutes) of non-stop ab exercises, most of which made me want to throw up. Thankfully, my fairly large gut would not allow me to complete the full range of motion on a number of these exercises. Without my trusty belly in the way, I would have almost certainly died. I'm gonna miss that protective layer when it's gone. );

Another Day 2 picture: As Miracle Max might put it, "Mostly dead."

Day 2: While Day 1 wore me out pretty well, Day 2 was significantly tougher. Plyometrics is what they called it. I've never heard of such a thing, but surely it's not any worse than all the push-ups and pull-ups that I failed to complete the day before, right? Wrong. They suggested the cardio DVD as an alternative for people not ready for plyometrics (which was probably me), but I wanted to give the real deal a shot. It seemed to serve much the same purpose as cardio, but it was much more jump-intensive. Not only did it bring further into focus just how out of shape I was, but it also made very obvious just how uncoordinated I've become. Not that I was ever a super athlete or anything, but I had decent hand-eye coordination and balance once upon a time. I could dribble and shoot a basketball half-way accurately sometimes. I could hit a baseball 16 or 18 years ago (a couple of times a season) or a softball 10 years ago. If nothing else, I could at least sort of keep my balance while running, jumping, turning, and squatting. Apparently, not so much anymore. All of this resulted in me lying on the floor wheezing and gasping for air at the end of this 58 minutes and 36 seconds of punishment. Can't wait for next time this workout shows up on the schedule (next Wednesday).

After Day 3: At least I could stand after this one.

Day 3: Shoulders and arms workout and the short little abs workout again. 15 different exercises, 2 sets each. Lots of curls, extensions, rows, dips, etc. While this definitely had its painful moments, I didn't hate it as much as the first two. It could be the fact that I need a wider selection of dumbbells (all of my sets seemed too heavy or too light after the first few sets) or it could be that this workout just isn't as bad as the first two. I'll definitely be buying another set or two of dumbbells in the next few days and I'll let you know if this one is as easy this time next week. I suspect it won't be. Abs was pretty miserable again, but the great thing is knowing that it doesn't last very long. I was pleasantly surprised to find myself getting the form down on some of these better. Like the plyometrics workout on Day 2, the abs workout requires some balance and coordination I haven't needed in a few years.

Up next: Yoga (something I thought I was less likely to do than spin class...oh well).

Dawgs Get Crowell...Dream Team Complete?

Making a statement: "My heart was at Georgia," said Crowell.

With the signing of Isaiah Crowell yesterday at 1:30 p.m., Georgia beat out Nick Saban and Alabama for the #1 (or 4 depending on what website you trust) running back in the country and may have completed their "Dream Team" recruiting class. However, one HUGE prize is still sitting out there waiting to sign. 340-pound, junior college defensive tackle John Jenkins will sign his letter of intent to play at Georgia, Florida, Miami, or Oklahoma State Saturday at 1:00 p.m.

Since Crowell capped off an already stellar group of players, most analysts and recruiting websites seem to have Georgia's 2011 recruiting class as a Top 5 class. Not only might Jenkins bump the Dawgs up a bit in the rankings (for whatever they're worth), but his mammoth size is something Georgia's defensive line could really use since transitioning to the 3-4 defense (sort of) under under Defensive Coordinator Todd Grantham.

Richt, Bobo, Grantham, Garner, etc. all deserve a TON of credit for building (what on paper appears to be) Richt's best class and holding it together after such a disappointing season. Skimming the Georgia blogs yesterday, it appeared that Richt has either won over or silenced most of his critics...for now. No doubt, he's still got to win games next year (at the very least 8 and probably 9) to keep his job, but it's nice to see most of the Dawg Nation united behind such a good guy and (recently) under-appreciated coach.

Quick summary of what the few recruits Georgia was still targeting (that I listed over the weekend) decided to do yesterday. For perspective, remember that the Dawgs signed 25 recruits yesterday, 13 of which were 4 or 5-star guys according to Rivals and almost all the rest 3-star guys (and other sites listed some of those 3 star guys like Turene as 4-star). All that's to say that getting or missing on most of these six didn't make or break this class, although Crowell certainly made it A LOT more exciting:

Crowell: signed with UGA. Hopefully he's a little more Knowshon than Jasper.

Jenkins: signing somewhere Saturday.

Pagan: signed with Bama. It sucks to lose one to Saban, but like I said the other day, we already had a couple of top notch DEs, so this doesn't surprise or sadden me too much.

Richardson: signed with Tennessee. It's where he was originally leaning and he flirted with the Dawgs at the last minute. I really would have liked to get him as the OL is one consistent weakness in recent years that our staff seems satisfied to primarily address with depth rather than 4 and 5-star guys. This was the only 4-star OL (according to Rivals) that we were pursuing. Other sites list some of our OL signees as 4-star guys though, so maybe he wasn't as crucial as I thought. Let's hope.

Turene: signed with UGA. He had been a USC commitment until just recently and the Dawgs' class got even better with him. A 3-star guy according to Rivals, other sites have him as a 4-star guy, so his signing might be a bigger deal than I thought it might be the other day. We needed linebackers and we got several that are projected to be very good.

Roberson: signed with Florida. I understood him to be the longest shot on the list, but he apparently gave Georgia a look. Already having the #1 and #3 cornerbacks in the country on our commitment list probably didn't help us land Roberson, the #2 cornerback in the country. It would have been a nice bonus to add him, but the Dawgs were not counting on him to address a need that the other two corners we signed shouldn't be able to handle (not to mention some of the "athletes" we signed will probably be defensive backs themselves).

So, of the six guys I mentioned the other day, the Dawgs have already landed two of the four most important with a chance to bring in one more (Jenkins) on Saturday. I never thought Pagan or Roberson were all that necessary given the similar players we'd already lined up, so the only miss on this list that I really wanted is Richardson. It will be interesting to see how Ray Drew and/or Sterling Bailey match up with Richardson when we face Tennessee over the next few years. Obviously, I hope they own him.

Again, like I said the other day, the Dawgs should be thankful to just land a couple of the six on this list. They've already done so in Crowell and Turene. Adding Jenkins is almost as important as getting Crowell since he should hopefully be able to make an impact pretty quickly (like Crowell hopefully will). All in all, this appears to have been a fantastic class that can still get even better. That it came after a 6-7 season makes it all the more remarkable. Go Dawgs.

OUCH!!! Fatso Starts P90X

Seconds after finishing P90X Day 1 yesterday: That's one tired fat boy. And yes, those are still Christmas decorations in the background.

Okay. I'm finally doing it. Yesterday, I started the relatively insane workout program P90X, but not because I really wanted to do it all that badly (which may not bode well for my likelihood of success). I didn't do it because I've regained the 25 pounds (plus another 7) that I lost in 2009. I did it mainly because I'm an idiot with too much time on my hands that can't stand to be told he can't do something.

If you know me, you know I'm not one to back down from a stupid challenge. If someone offers me $50 to drink a bowl of ranch dressing before a wedding, I do it. If I can get my picture on the wall of Miss Meg's Diner in Clayton, Georgia and go home with a t-shirt for eating a two-pound hamburger, I do it. If enough friends and co-workers insist that I can't eat more than a guy with zero percent body fat, I eat four pounds of lasagna to his three and a half, leave his kid crying because his daddy lost, and take a swig of ranch dressing in his face as he pukes in a trashcan in front of a bunch of our co-workers and students. That's just how I roll.

So, when my friend Brian offered me $70 if I could complete all 90 days of P90X (yes, that's less than $1 a day, but how much do you get paid to work out?), I reluctantly, sort of, eventually accepted the challenge. You see, he actually issued the challenge in November and as you may have noticed, it's now February. Why did it take me so long to get started? I think it's a combination of the fact that it's a much longer commitment than most of my challenges and the fact that there was no way I was going to eat right and exercise consistently over the holidays. I have no excuse for not starting in January other than the fact that I've been dreading this whole thing.

As a few other friends threw their hats into the "challenge Mike to do something really stupid that he probably won't really do" ring, one (Rob) even suggested I set it up like a jog-a-thon where people make pledges of a dollar (or whatever) per day that I stick with it. I don't know that I'll go that far, but it is not a bad idea. Honestly, the straw that broke the camel's back might have been Mary Charles (my friend and business partner) cutting a deal with me that if I don't finish P90X, I have to go to spin class with her. Let me tell you, if there is one thing that sounds less fun to me than riding a bike for an hour at a time, it is PRETENDING to ride a bike for an hour at a time with booming techno music and a guy in spandex yelling at me. No thanks. I'll take the money and the 90 days of torture.

In any case, I've run from it about as long as I can. Enough friends and family know about the challenge now that I have to at least try. And just for a little added motivation, I'm going to update my blog with my P90X progress so that everyone I know has an opportunity to mock me if I give up. Maybe a few of you will actually encourage me. The end results should be motivation enough, but that reward is so far away compared to my previous accomplishments and there's not much fun about the process to me.

This is no ranch dressing or lasagna. At least those taste good at first.